I started running got 5 miles but feel nothing anymore its just a thing I do.
I’m glad I am where the last thing on my mind is to be the best at running. I’ve been thinking a lot about how life is changing and I have to really keep focused on many more things than just working out constantly. I’m going to san francisco, california. It’s going to be my wake up call for sure.
For now I’m okay and understand so much more after my accident than I did before. I’m growing up I guess.
Listening to people is a lot different than hearing them making noise. Have to keep it all in perspective if I don’t I will pay for it.
I’m glad to leave this small area for a few months I got to capture my true essence. Not computers or hard working. But what makes me truly tick the way I do. I wonder if I’ll see my mother at all I haven’t seen her since I was 1. Could you say I really saw her then? Well I guess it doesn’t matter. Anyways I’m happy with what I’ve wrote down and will keep it for a little while longer. It taught me a lot of useful things that I hadn’t taken seriously or even thought of it being okay.
If your reading this.
Thanks.
Lets call it a day.
-Frank N.-
I’m stronger now I haven’t urged for running in a while.
I have been swimming a lot keeping myself busy because I want to stay active.
I’m going to start doing a lot more bike.
Everyone around me is close but I’m still me.
I’ve gotten a better footing than anything else.
I know who I am which is nice and different for me.
I’ve always kinda gone with it and now I am more sure of who I am.
I can’t lose who I am because if I do I might as well give up everything right.
Life is just an amazing experience that changes as time goes on.
All those things I was told when I was growing up is true.
Just kinda sucks when it hits you in the face.
But it’s alright.
I got an internship in San Francisco, California which is awesome.
I’m gonna get to work the coolest people I know and now I just got to stay focused.
I’m a programmer first then everything comes second.
I learn to take over the industry one day.
Life is good.
-Day 41-
I went out last night.
Got some liquid in me from a dimly lit place.
Felt happy from the liquid.
I danced and enjoyed what little I could do.
It wasn’t running but I was dripping beads.
It was fun.
My friends.
They are also an extension of my running.
I might be foggy but I know everything is…
Everything is as it should be.
Today…
Saw a girl I once knew.
Was pretty reluctant at first.
She was pretty and I couldn’t really keep looking.
I just smiled.
Then it hit me.
The memories of past relationships.
I was happy I still remembered her name.
Life’s interesting right now.
I wonder where it is leading me.
I have the rest of the year to figure it out.
I have ideas but I don’t want to make expectations.
Life is good.
I still can’t run but…
It’s okay.
-Day 20-
May I have never have a root.
I’m starting to realize my running is an expression of me.
Though I may not have running.
I have my ability to manifest that same expression through something else.
It’s who I am.
I may be depressed but…
…
…
I’m Free.
From the luster of the idea that holds me to running.
I Will Run Again!
I Will Compete Again!
I Will Express Myself!
I’m running in my dreams.
I’m running in my drawings.
I’m running when I live.
I am.
-Day 19-
I’m feeling a little bit better today.
I’m putting more on my swimming to get something out of it.
I swam a mile to the end of the lane and back.
It’s not much but it’s a start.
I’ve been talking to my close friends.
I’m feeling happier.
I can’t help but be happy it’s the only thing my mind go up or down to.
I still feel a little down..
I’m doing what I can.
Letting my mind be free I’m starting to see somethings
Things that I have personally put away.
Things I shouldn’t have put away.
Kinda strange but my dreams are the doorways.
I’ve pushed away a person.
Person I know I can’t be weak around.
I find it strange but it’s the only way I can see it.
I’m doing my best to help others which makes me happy.
It’s the little things like that.
They get me through the day.
-Day 18-
I woke up today pretty down.
I’m not sure why I can’t break this rut.
I’m trying to be strong but my will is weak.
I want to run so bad but.. I can’t.
I’m not sure how I can wait.
I have no energy for anything else in my life.
My other hobbies seem so meaningless.
I’m trying to cover up the pain but its getting worse.
I really feel that my ankle will never heal.
Heal to the point of being able to compete again.
I wanted.
I wanted to be the best.
Where I actually felt I could be seen.
I built many memories.
I’m not sure what I can do with them.
All I feel is it will never be the same.
I’m stuck.
help?
-Day 17-
I haven’t written because I lost myself last week.
Trying to get ahold of who I was is hard.
I don’t really understand why I hurt so much…
I can’t run so I can’t feel happy.
Friends try to support me but I still feel alone.
I can’t figure out anything anymore.
I’m breaking constantly when I think about how I may never be able to race again.
Race to win.
Why did I mess up my ankle.
WHy can’t it just be fixed.
I’m tired of waiting.
I want to run…
I draw perfect tendons now.
I visualize what I want.
I want it now.
I can’t wait.
It hurts.
I feel so alone.
-Day 16-
Friday, February 17, 2012
Hello,
My name is Frank.
I’ve been on crutches for little less than 24 hours.
I got very little enthusiasm right now.
I have a lot of days to go before I can walk again without needing crutches.
I’m trying to keep my head up.
My friends are trying to help me fight back and train my upper body.
I’ve been an endurance athlete for the past 9 Months. I’ve completed 1 Triathlon & 3 Relay Triathlons, 1 Marathon and 1 Half Marathon.
I started running back in June 2011 a month and a half before my ex relationship ended and used it to get through all of the negative thoughts I had about it.
I’m guessing I used running to keep it all at bay? I’m not sure I haven’t really thought about it for months and now I’m stuck on crutches where I can barely walk.
I’m trying to understand this and accept it but it is hard. I almost feel like pushing everyone away and just ignoring it all. I feel like I can’t face people because I can’t prove that I can run from here to the moon and back.
2 Days ago I tried to go running thinking my tight calf could manage and it did for 25 minutes straight felt great. I just wanted 30 min run that’s all. The next second I realized….a sharp pain in my achillies and was forced to stop. Tried walking it off but it just burned. Went to the hospital yesterday and found that I had a small tear. It would take a few weeks for it to heal and now I’m unsure of what I can do instead.
Now I feel a bit useless because I have to walk everywhere. I can’t do much for a few weeks. I hate this so much.
Running is all I got.
What now?
-Day 0-